Comfort in the Familiar: Why We Gravitate Toward What We Know

By Miranda Sikorski, LCSW

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” —recognizing that you keep falling into the same patterns over and over again…

 Whether it is in relationships, career choices, or personal habits — you’re not alone. One of the most common patterns I see as a therapist is the tendency for people to return to old situations, people, or behaviors that feel familiar, even when those experiences aren’t healthy or fulfilling.

At first glance, it might seem like self-sabotage, but in reality, it’s often your brain’s way of keeping you safe — at least from its perspective. This is where the concept of “comfort in the familiar” comes in.

What Does “Comfort in the Familiar” Mean?

Simply put, “comfort in the familiar” refers to the pull we feel toward experiences, environments, and relationships that we’ve encountered before. Even if those experiences are stressful, limiting, or painful, they feel predictable — and our brains love predictability.

Think of it like this: if you’ve walked the same path through the woods for years, even if there’s a better one nearby, you’ll instinctively go where your feet already know the way. It requires less thought, less risk, less energy, and it makes us feel safer because we know what to expect.

The Science Behind Comfort in the Familiar (Neuroplasticity & Trauma)

Sometimes I can get a little science-y but it’s all connected so stay with me

 The brain is constantly working to keep us safe, and one of its main strategies is efficiency. It does this through a process called neuroplasticity, where repeated thoughts, emotions, and behaviors strengthen certain neural pathways — kind of like carving a deeper and deeper groove in a record.

Over time, these pathways become the brain’s “default settings.” When faced with uncertainty, the brain chooses the path it already knows, even if that path isn’t the healthiest one. This is tied to our survival instincts: for early humans, sticking with the known could mean the difference between life and death. Venturing into the unknown could have led to danger, so our brains evolved to favor the predictable.

When Trauma Shapes the Familiar

In my work, much of which focuses on trauma, I see how early or repeated traumatic experiences can strongly influence what becomes “familiar” to someone.

If you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, boundaries were unclear, or conflict was constant, your brain learned that this was normal. Those experiences became part of your emotional blueprint.

That’s why, later in life, you might:

• Feel drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or unpredictable.

• Stay in jobs where you’re undervalued because it feels like “home” on some level.

• Gravitate toward friendships that involve more giving than receiving.

It’s not that you want to be hurt. It’s that your nervous system has been trained to see the familiar — even when it’s toxic — as safer than the unknown.

The False Sense of Safety

Here’s the tricky part: familiar doesn’t always mean good, and safe doesn’t always mean healthy. Our brains confuse “I know this” with “I can survive this,” and therefore assume it’s the better choice.

When you try something new — like setting a healthy boundary or choosing a partner who treats you well — your brain may interpret it as unsafe simply because it’s different. This can trigger anxiety, self-doubt, or the urge to retreat back into old patterns. This isn’t weakness; it’s a survival response rooted in your history.

Ever notice yourself consistently being drawn and attracted to red flag behavior? This could be connected to something much deeper and it’s something we could unpack together in a session

Why Growth & Healing from Trauma Feels Uncomfortable

True growth requires stepping into the unfamiliar, which means overriding those ingrained neural pathways and creating new ones. But, building a new pathway is like clearing a trail in the woods — it’s harder at first because there’s no obvious route. You have to keep walking it repeatedly before it feels natural. 

I always like to tell my clients to think of it as taking 21 days to form a new habit. Persistence is key.

That discomfort you feel when you choose differently? That’s your brain adjusting to the new terrain. With practice, that new behavior starts to feel familiar — and eventually, more comfortable than the old.

Practical Ways to Push Beyond the Familiar

1. Notice the Pattern – Keep a journal of situations where you default to what’s familiar. Ask yourself: When have I felt this way before?

2. Start Small – Choose one small, low-risk change to practice regularly. Gradual exposure helps your brain adapt.

3. Challenge “Safe” Assumptions – When you feel pulled toward something, ask: Is this actually safe, or just familiar?

4. Get Support – Healing from trauma often requires guided work with a therapist who can help you rewrite your emotional blueprint.

Final Thoughts

Your brain’s love for the familiar isn’t a flaw — it’s a survival strategy that’s been with humanity for thousands of years. But when your history includes trauma, that “familiar” can sometimes lead you right back into situations that hurt you.

The good news? With awareness, practice, and support, you can teach your brain that the unknown isn’t automatically unsafe. Over time, what once felt foreign becomes the new familiar — and that’s where lasting change begins.

If this resonates with you, let’s book a session together.

Sincerely,

 Your friendly neighborhood Therapist,

Miranda Sikorski, LCSW

Written by: Miranda Sikorski, LCSW
Individual & Couples Therapist at Clear Journey Counseling

If you find yourself stuck in familiar but painful patterns, therapy can help. Connect with us and let’s talk.

Miranda Sikorski, LCSW
Miranda is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in trauma recovery, PTSD, anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, and life transitions. She creates a collaborative, safe, and empathetic environment to empower clients to take charge of their mental health and live balanced, fulfilling lives.